Onward, Forward, Toward…

(a.k.a ” Relationship Frustration Part Infinite0009″)
(subtitled “Holy Harem”)

To frequent commenter “Ken”:

Ever since I started writing the ‘Christlam’ posts, I have appreciated your comments and insights that you have. In fact, before your last comments, I have (and still am) been working on another two parts to the series. But I took a break when the gears started spinning in reference to the ‘Holy Harem” comments you made in this post

Interesting point about the ‘Holy Harem’. I’ve even seen this in the Christian Singles Group Dynamics.

(1): Church starts singles group.

(2): Church recognizes a certain single male (usually ‘feminized’ and ‘familyfied’ with successful career making lots of money) as the ‘alpha-apostle’.

(3): Christian single female (wanting to marry an anatomical male but a mental and spiritual female) latches on to ‘alpha-apostle’ and believes that God only told them that ‘they will marry alpha-apostle and start to linger on the ‘alpha-apostle’ (along with most of the other Christian single women within the group who believes that “God said’ that they will be the one to marry ‘alpha-apostle’).

(4): ‘Alpha-apostle’ loves the attention every one of the Christian single women ‘Holy Harem’ gives him and soaks in all in but bashes the ‘world system playa’ (that he has actually become) in his five minute devotionals while behind the scenes seeing which one will probably provide the most money and will probably at least go to ‘third base’ without ’stealing home plate’.

(5): The outsider male asks out a member of the ‘Holy Harem’ out for a date and gets told that Jesus is her Husband, she’s too busy with church activities, and the world dates but real Christians court (while seeking out a date with ‘alpha-apostle’ behind the scenes) but refers outsider male to outsider female (typically viewed by the Holy Harem as unattractive, overweight, low self-esteem, decent cook, keeps a clean house, and does great needlepoint crafts showing off her cross-stitched Bookmark of Psalms 23 from 1978 Vacation Bible School). Outsider male, fearing more rejection and also believing that he should also have a Christian Hottie from the Holy Harem around his arms, never asks outsider female out and begins to feel the same feelings that Positive K rapped about back in 1992 and plays the song in his iPod continuously.

(6): The outsider female provides subtle hints to the ‘alpha apostle’ that she is interested in dating him. She gets told that he’s too busy with discipleship training class, and the world dates but real Christians court (while playing the Holy Harems) but refers outsider female to outsider male {typically viewed by the church and ‘alpha-apostle’ as the techno-geek-nerd, sloppy dresser, overweight, thinks for himself, drives a beat-up used car that barely runs, self-esteem beaten down by every Christian, watches sports and plays fantasy football online, and is prime suspect number one (statement unproven but deemed guilty by the church anyhow) that must be dabbling with Internet pornography at 3 AM when lonely}. Outsider female, believing she is worthy to have an ‘alpha-apostle’ as her future husband (believing that one day ‘alpha-apostle’ will see beyond the ’shallowness of skin-deep beauty’ and sweep her off her feet), goes home lonely and never talks to outsider male because men are supposed to ask the women out and women who ask men out have loose morals which she does not have.

(7): One person within the ‘Holy Harem’ becomes ‘the secret chosen one’. To keep up appearances, the relationship is never made public as the persona of ‘daytime friends and night time lovers’ is being acted out. In reality, ‘the secret chosen one’ flashes some skin (while cuddling in the back seat of his Honda Civic) but ‘alpha-apostle’ and ‘the secret chosen one’ never have sex. The remaining members of the ‘Holy Harem’ are still led on by the ‘alpha-apostle’ with the ‘God Said’ word repeating mentally in their mind while believing that marriage is eminent between them and ‘alpha-apostle’. In Charismatic circles, it’s keep super-secret because if the news becomes public, then the Devil will attack their relationship.

(8): Another person within the ‘Holy Harem’ finally sees ‘alpha-apostle’ and ‘the secret chosen one’ together in public holding hands on a date and is very upset, wonders if God really spoke to her or wonders if God even loves her, wonders what sin she may have done to ‘damage the destiny’, etc.

(9): The ‘unchosen one’ listed above calls up outside Christian female sobbing in repentance for treating her like dirt and becomes allies with outside Christian female to expose ‘alpha-apostle’.

(10-A): The ‘unchosen one’ and outside Christian female starts acknowledging the existence of outside Christian male wanting him to join in the plan. Outside Christian male does not return phone calls because he is smart enough to realize that the ‘unchosen one’ and outside Christian female either never gave him the time of day before or rebuked him in public humiliation and why should he start speaking to them now.

(10-B): Worse is the Outside Christian male who decides to join with them thinking that by being the one who exposes, he is seen as the holy one and thinks he will become the new ‘alpha-apostle’ and win the hearts of the Holy Harem.

(11): “Alpha-apostle’ and ‘the secret chosen one’ make the shocking announcement that they are getting married because ‘God told them to’ and begin marriage counseling and ‘courting’. ‘The chosen one’ shows off the engagement ring and ‘the chosen one’ now has a new wardrobe of very baggy clothes.

(12-A): The other unchosen women are now angry and call ‘alpha-apostle’ a ’slimeball in the Spirit’ and ‘the chosen one’ a ’slut in the Spirit’ at their next secret ‘pentecostal pajama party prayer-time’ coming in agreement asking God to ‘intervene’ by breaking up the engagement (but personally praying individually and silently at the same time that the ‘word’ they received about marrying ‘alpha-apostle’ will come true because each one still believes that they have ‘the word’ that they are ‘the woman sent by God’ to marry ‘alpha-apostle’). Outside Christian female is not invited to the pajama party and is watching Disney/Pixar animated movies rented from Blockbuster at her house. Outside Christian male goes out to the sports bar, eats some hot wings, makes small talk with the waitress he’ll never date because he’s afraid that she will tell him ‘No’ if asked, and watches Tim Duncan (for the umpteenth time) take Dirk Nowitski to school on the 57″ HDTV.

(12-B): A couple of the unchosen ones the following Sunday tell outside Christian female and outside Christian male (separate conversations) that God led them to pray for them and their future mate in the secret place last Friday night at 4 AM.

(13-A): Outside Christian female questions in public (egged on by the new temporary friends from the ex Harem) the integrity of what has happened between “Alpha-apostle’ and ‘the chosen one’. Outside Christian female is branded as ‘bitter, jealous, and resentful’ by “Alpha-apostle’ , ‘the chosen one’, and the church as being the sower of discord and starting the Holy War and is asked in private to not come back to singles group wile tons of ’spiritual warfare’ is done.

(13-B): Outside Christian male calls out ‘alpha-apostle’ in public (fueled by his fantasy that he will be the new ‘alpha-apostle’ and have the Holy Harem woo him and a trophy to display on his arm) over his integrity and provides more than adequate proof and fights for the being of the group. The church elders take ‘lax discipline’ against ‘alpha-apostle’ but openly rebukes outside Christian male for not taking this to the elders in secret because they are now embarrassed (and it was one of the elder’s son who was the ‘alpha-apostle’ to begin with).

(14-A): The ‘unchosen one’ no longer speaks to Outside Christian female fearing her reputation.

(14-B): The ‘unchosen one’ and ‘outside Christian female’ quit speaking to outside Christian male because they got what they wanted by getting revenge against ‘alpha-apostle and ‘the chosen one”.

(15): Church disbands singles group over the eruption of the Holy War (and in some cases finding out that ‘the secret chosen one’ and ‘alpha-apostle’ weren’t as pure as they were heralded as being…).

(16-A): Outside Christian female leaves the church and repeats the same cycle at the new church… (and the church after…).

(16-B): Outside Christian male gets ignored the next Sunday (and the Sunday after…) at church and the singles group brochures mysteriously disappear from the brochure rack and nobody talks about it or asks why.

(17): Outside Christian male has compassion for ‘the unchosen ones’ but loves the fact that seeing the Holy War erupt was better than viewing clips from the Jerry Springer Show (illegially posted on YouTube) at 1:30 in the morning.

(18): Outside Christian male gets courage and resolve to ask out one of ‘the unchosen ones’ thinking she is available and wanting a man on the rebound. ‘The unchosen one’ rips him apart and calls him a wolf in sheep’s clothing for wanting to date and that she doesn’t date, she courts, she’s busy until 2047, and Jesus is her man once again and no decent Christian woman would ever go out with the ‘Loser in the Spirit’. ‘The unchosen one’ now warns all ‘for the Glory of God’ not to talk to outside Christian male. Outside Christian male, disappointed that he didn’t score, gives up for a season and focuses his prayers asking God to allow Ladainian Tomlinson to score a touchdown against the Patriots next Sunday for fantasy football points to win his league championship.

(19): “Alpha-apostle’ and ‘the chosen one’ get married and share their testimony (skipping the single years and skipping the ‘indiscretion’) in their new small group that they lead (while praising God for their new minivan) while the six month old baby is screaming her lungs out in the crib because of teething.

(20): A year passes, the Holy War is forgotten about and the church reads a new singles book and decides to reform a new singles group because God is doing ‘a new thing’ with a new appointed ‘feminized’, ‘wealthy’, and ‘familyfied’ ‘alpha-apostle junior’. and the cycle repeats itself.

(21): Outside Christian male, missing the ‘camaraderie’ (said sarcastically) becomes a part of the new group and tragically repeats the same cycle.