(aka, Part Two of “Defining The Word Deep”)

I went to church this morning.

Driving the G6 GT (greyhawk) down the highway, I again begin to wrestle with all the anxieties and ‘lies’ that I had discussed in the previous article and also began to repeat the words ‘It’s Not My Fault’ when the thoughts of surgery came into my mind. I felt good when getting out of the G6 after I parked it.

I had a productive conversation with one of the elders about the church web page project and the status of the project. However, I did not even mention this to him even though I told the web page project overseer that I needed to complete the project by mid-May.

We went through worship today. Heard an excellent sermon.

As I sat in church this morning, I told myself that I would be going upfront and overcome the ’stubbornness’, the anxiety, and most importantly the lies of ‘condemnation’, ’shame’, and ‘guilt’ to receive prayer…..

To admit that I needed a touch of healing. I needed calmness. I needed assurance that it rains on the just and unjust and this is genetic and not a byproduct of a wrathful God waiting to zap me. I needed patience to go through the surgery, and beforehand the tests and paperwork……. (and more tests and paperwork…)

The end of the sermon came and the offer was made for prayer for wholeness. I sat and I sat.

Then I rose up and I walked down to the front and spoke with a member of the prayer team and requested prayer and got prayer for my healing.

After the service, I saw ‘her’ from a distance. She looked so stunning and gorgeous as usual. We, being both single, speak to each other on occasion and we have talked about life, what we do for our livings, etc. and our feelings on Faith and Christianity, our value systems. We actually have alot of common (except for that out of town boyfriend that I don’t know if they are still together or not) and we feel the same about alot of things especially in relation to ‘liturgical limelight’, the Reformed mindset and spiritual gifts (but I am ‘attracted’ to her and have ‘feelings’ for her. And if she is still seeing that out of town guy, I will not ‘but in’ on that relationship.)

After overcoming fear and anxiety to go up front to receive prayer, I froze up again and did not even approach her to speak to her today…..

I feared anxiety. I feared rejection. I feared the feeling of incompleteness.