Today at church, my mind just wandered off during worship and the sermon.

I just had alot of stuff on my mind.

During worship, I thought alot about what Driscoll said in his banned video about how men needed guidance in all of their affairs from raising families, relationships, etc. I thought about how FOTF and PK had feminized the man in the 1980’s and 1990’s.

I thought about how T.D. Jakes finally started to breakthrough dealing with men’s issues in his Manpower conferences before it got absorbed into ‘MegaMess’ and it turned from dealing with the heart in a world of reality into creating Mega Man who takes his Mega vitamins going to work to land the Mega business deal driving home in his Mega Mercedes to Mega Mom who raised Mega Kids.

I thought about John Eldredge and our wild hearts that needed to explore the wild unknown from the Divinity Dude Ranch at the Pentecostal Ponderosa and how the war on the man has turned into another spiritualized X-Box video game of Cowboys, sages, warriors, kings, etc. instead of the real war.

And I thought more about what Driscoll said and how modern church has portrayed Jesus as the ‘gay hippie in a dress drinking herbal tea rocking to the Spice Girls and doing aromatherapy’ and then tried to marginalized man into the christian version of the David Van Driessen character from Beavis and Butthead.

Before service, the pastor announced that the monthly Sunday evening healing service would be held next Sunday evening. This got my mind again on my upcoming surgery and Otosclerosis in general. During worship while thinking about Christian manhood, I saw people in my same age bracket. I saw men with their wives and their 2 to 3 children in the sanctuary. I thought about how the Otosclerosis and also the fact of being almost 39 and I have never been married. Most people in my age group have children now in the eight to fifteen year age group. At this stage in life, a Godly wife and at least one child would have been very nice to have beside me on Sunday mornings.

But more importantly, I thought about what would a married man my age would do if he discovered that he needed outpatient surgery. The main thing that came into my mind would be that this man would be talking out all his anxieites and fears about the surgery and about the worst-case scenerio of possibly going completely deaf in that ear in case the surgery couldn’t be done or something happened in surgery to his wife at night laying down on their king size bed before falling asleep. That, along with the touch of the hand, caresses, etc. would ease the pressures and tensions and assure the man that no matter what happens, she would still be there with him. Right now, I do not have that blessed privilege of talking to a wife or embracing the hugs and caresses from her and hearing her prayers from the edge of the bed. I have to try my best to talk to God about it all at 3 AM in the morning when I am wide awake and cannot get back to sleep (even though christian ‘family’ experts must really believe and try to convince others that I; because I am single and almost 39 must be “doing the M” to internet pornography instead of trying to pray to God).

Like I said in the post about the RGX girl, Sometimes I wonder if I have crossed the threshold of it being too late to marry. I wonder if I went through the door of life not realizing that it was like the airlock door on a submarine and after I stepped over the small wall and went to the next section, the door was closed and the airlock spinner was turned locking the door forever with no way of going back. I wonder if I ‘missed her’, done something wrong to where the ‘permament punishment’ is a lifetime of singleness, been told ‘no’ too many times where I can not stand one more ‘no’ told to me and fear future rejection, or ‘missed the opportunity’ to meet her.

I do not know the answer to that question. In fact, I do not know why this has weighed heavily on my mind when I should be thinking about the surgery, having the tests done and the financial deposits paid. Logic would say to completely focus on the surgery but love defies logic. Is it because the time is now (again)? Is it because spring is in the air and the ’summer of love’ is about to manifest?

I do not know and I have worn myself out trying to figure it out, trying to rectify something that I do not know what to rectify, trying to make sure I am perfect, and trying to find that special woman to spend life with and make a vow and covenant to.