Diane over at Crossroadssent me a link to this article entitled “If you don’t make it to the cross . . .” that had a very interesting point where the author quoted another blogger who wrote…
If you don’t make it to the cross, you’ll make your Bible reading and your relationship with God about your performance rather than about Jesus’ performance. You’ll gravitate away from the gospel and towards religion. Anxiety and fear will take the place of confidence, joy, and rest. Legalism will replace freedom. If your eyes don’t catch a glimpse of the cross as you turn the pages of Scripture, you’re likely to spend much of your day staring at yourself, wallowing in endless introspection, rather than staring at your Savior, delighting in his costly love.
That was enough said right there to make me ponder quite a bit about how in the last two weeks, I may not have made it to the cross. I’ve felt as if my ‘performance’ was not ‘good enough’ as I have come up short spiritually and also made a technical miscalculation in reference to some formulas and theories on my job that cost delayed time and money that was now wasted. I’ve been condemning myself alot over that one plus the condemnation and ‘chew-out’ I already got afterwards.
This, along with the fact that I am about to approach the big ‘four-zero’ and still remain single with no potential future mate in sight, (combined with the fact that I got an invite via a online social networking site to a newly formed Christian singles group in my city to find out that the cutoff age is 39) anxiety and sleepless nights about the immediate future, fear concerning the distant future and facing it alone without a spouse and kids, the wondering if I am about to become the ‘demographic’ no Church or future wife really wants (single, 40, never married, deeply shy and introverted, highly technical and analytical nature), or being deemed by some pentecostal as ‘the Moses generation…..”. It has caused me to “wallow in endless introspection” and playing ‘what if’ games wondering if the window of opportunity has just passed me by and I either failed to see the opened door to go through or did ‘that one something’ (like Moses did) that caused me to never enter into ‘the land of promise’ and experience lifelong ‘punishment’ from God. It has really worked with my confidence and self-esteem wondering if I ‘measure up’ or if I am ‘up to the task’ and ‘have what it takes’ to be able to support, provide for, and nurture a wife and family in all areas of their life. It has resonated past rejections over and over again as dreams become DVD movies where the same chapters get replayed over and over again wondering if I am now in a ’state of paralysis’ because I now even fear asking because of a fear of more, deeper, and increased rejection.
This, combined with the fact that I usually have a very hard time during the summer and that coming up this summer will be the tenth anniversary of a ‘life-altering’ event that I had ‘forgotten’ and felt like I had finally overcame until the innocent words of a friend mentioned that ‘wow, it’s been ten years since……….’ When those words came out of their mouth, I froze and broke out in a cool sweat with my hair and shirt becoming drenched with sweat. I had to walk away to recompose myself and to prepare once again a battleplan to overcome the memories and conquer this thing once and for all (which I really thought I had already done many years ago…)
I have to take that long, painful, and heavy journey everyday to the Cross. I have to go up that hill and take up the cross and never be like Sisyphus who rolled a stone up a hill never to make it to the top. In fact, i don’t have to roll a stone at all because the stone was rolled away two thousand years ago. I need to eat of his flesh for healing and drink of his blood for atonement of my sins.
