As I went through another near sleepless night and stared at the light fixture in the ceiling, a strange but true thought came into my head

You are perfect at being imperfect

As my head was clearing from the nightmares that had permeated the nocturnal dreamscape of my subconscious, I thought about

(1); The Moses Moment post I had written a couple of weeks ago. I thought about that thing in my life that occurred almost eleven years ago (that influenced the blog post) where the memory has been re-ran over and over again more than a Sanford and Son rerun on Nick at Nite.

I thought about how instead of spiritually speaking to that circumstance, I instead in the physical realm verbally struck the circumstance in what I thought at that time was ‘God inspired rebuke that would move the mountain’ but instead was just pure verbal anger. I thought about what it has already cost me while at the same time thought about what else will it cost me that I do not know about and how I do not know how much longer it will have to cost me. I thought about what this has already cost me and the future cost because people have seen me as being ‘the unforgotten and unforgiven potential to….. again’ instead of being ‘the healed, redeemed, and forgiven one who overcomes day-by-day’ because it has been the ‘deal-breaker’ that has denied some future opportunities from coming forth.

I thought about what it cost Moses, the ability to enter into the promised land only to be able see from far away what he was originally destined to partake of and how he had to somehow go on and live the rest of his life knowing that and somehow remain functional. I (like I stated in the Moses Moment article) have “wondered if circumstance of almost eleven years ago yielded an unknown consequence like Moses in Numbers 20 1-13?” To this day, I have wondered if certain prayers and desires will never come to pass because what I did almost eleven years ago. I have wondered if it has angered the Lord so deeply to the point of the Lord denying the fulfillment of those prayers and desires to go into a ‘promised land’ as “punishment”?

I’ll admit, It has disturbed me to the point where I do not know if God would even tell me (similar to the way he told Moses) if this is true or not to where I can ‘take my medicine’ and have the answer permanently resolved once and for all instead of roaming around to and fro in a ‘wilderness’ wondering if I would ever see a promise land or not. Or if would have to stand on the outside and wonder and see those (like Joshua and Caleb) younger (and more holy) than I am, get to possess and experience what was supposed to have been mine.

I’ve been told that I had certain spiritual gifts. I wondered if those were taken away as a permanent punishment and given to someone else……..

(2): Achan’s sin in Joshua 7 – I’ve wondered if certain ex-friends and certain Christian groups have viewed me as “Achan” believing that I am the ‘enemy’ that would bring them down into defeat until they sever ties with me because in their eyes, I must have done something wrong that friendships / relationships had to be severed for them to score a victory. I had to be ‘purged’ from the remnant and pruned from the vine for the survival of the others. Defeatism, poverty, their personal unhappiness, and/or their inability to see breakthough was my fault….

In the Christian perfect world popularized by the teachings of that heretic scumbag Charles Finney, all it does is make you second, third, and fourth guess yourself to the point of confusion. It makes people never trust in faith others because of the potential to fail again. It fuels hysteria and paranoia like Communism where people are encouraged to secretly spy on and ‘rat out’ the imperfect because the imperfect can cause the demise of the system (while the ’secret spys’ are being secretly spied on at the same time). It fuels a distrust in good faith of a human being by showing a lack of faith based on a potential dysfunction. It makes people look for perfect people because one mistake from one individual……..

will lead to the demise of the ministry
will cost us the millionaire breakthrough business deal
will cause our marriage to be cursed for divorce before it starts
will cost me my eternal salvation
will bring incurable cancers that will kill me
will cause our child to be born retarded
will cause all to be punished for the sins of one
will hold us back from the promise land
will prohibit the grand end-times last days revival
will hold back my hundredfold blessing
will cause the enemy to ravage our lives

And we see how in a New Covenant world, we still act like Old Covenant Christians where we better be perfect or it’s an eternal exile, it’s a lifetime grudge, it’s the potential for the mistake to take place again, it’s a permanent punishment, it’s a wandering in the wilderness, it’s the pulling back and reneging on a promise, it’s a divine deal-breaker…

It’s the burden knowing you’re imperfect at being perfect

It’s the stinking thinking that we can never get past square one because we can not find the ‘perfection’ needed to ensure survival at square two (and repeats itself again when you want to leave square two to square three).

It’s the fear of not being able to take a risk because the rejection must mean that there is still something wrong within yourself that you have to get perfect before the ‘yes’ can come forth and therefore can feel like you are spiritual enough and a real and authentic Christian in order to obtain access to that promised land, that dream, that desire, and that want you desperately want to happen in your life. Or worse is that the rules have changed and even though you have that certain thing mastered, there is always something else that is now become ‘the holy hindrance’ that has to be made perfect or else….

It’s like the horse that sees the carrot on a stick in front of it. He sees it, makes forward progress, and gets close to the desired destination but never experiences the taste of it to realize how good it is.

But it must become the fact that you are indeed perfect… at being imperfect working towards accepting God’s amazing grace. It’s the fact that you can never lose your salvation and your security in Christ is eternal. It must become the fact that one day, the desires of the heart will be experienced and the things God wants you to have you can enjoy without fear of ever losing them.